Work from home is not for me. I might die from anxiety rather than the virus itself. My kids just always wants mommy whenever I'm around. I understand that they need attention. But seriously, I just want silence while trying to get a job done.
Al Jamar. Aljamar. Jamar. Jammie. Jam2x. I find him interesting, intriguing and mysterious. But as they said, curiosity kills the cat. I am so tempted to flirt back at him. But also minding not to be easy to get. Not because I'm married with kids. Who doesn't fool around anyway? My husband fooled a lot of times behind my back. I accepted him. Why can't I do it? This guy, Aljamar, seems to be a worthwhile subject.
We've been working together for around two months now, Jan-23 to Mar 28. Whenever you are around a certain likable person everyday, the attraction seems to grow in exponents. I am now looking forward to seeing him everyday. And even talking to him. He grabs my hands lately. I fight the urge to hold his hands back. I fistbump instead. I like playing around with him. Also tempted to care for him. Dong singot na kaayo ka. Dong kaon na. Dong blur na imong glasses. Dong ka nindot sa imong mata. Dong pwede mugakos. Maka feeling teenager ba.
For the meantime, I am enjoying that he is around. But until when? God knows all these are only temporary. Me being an employee of DMD, not sure if i can even pass the probationary stage.
April seems to be a make or break time for me. No time to think about unnecessary thoughts like having friends with benefits.
And you know what, i am at a point where i am gaining back an independent self. A self emotionally and financially independent from a husband. And a momentary freedom from kids. Of course i love (the idea of) them. But i also love myself. I also want to find my own self. My own individuality. Maybe that's also why i am attracted to aljamar because he knows me as who i want to be perceived. Confident and Independent. Far from the insecure and clingy stay at home mom I was. He doesnt know my weaknesses and insecurities yet. Why do my thoughts revert back to him?
So yeah, i am at that point of confidence right now and i just want to prove to myself that I can be better. That I can do better. So I should give my best to this job I have right now.
I am looking forward to when these annual financial statements will be over. I want to go out or reward myself. Or maybe both. That's for short term. I still have long term goals of course. But for medium term, 1-3years, I see myself still working with stella maris. Will i even reach that long? In five years, I will be thirty five. i want to become a CPA, if i could survive this month's AFS alive. I'm torn between having more kids, two maximum. But the little humans i have right now are actually very enough already. But i fear that in the pursue of finding myself, i might loose the chance of producing more offsprings. Is that even relevant? I don't know.
I JUST WANT TO SURVIVE THIS AFS, ALIVE. I miss writing. Or I miss talking to myself. This is me needing to express and articulate my thoughts so I can get them out of my head. Because if i won't, maybe i will just overthink.
Will aljamar do a move in this course of month long quarantine? He said kanina that he will call me. But I know he has self discipline and he seems to be aware of his limitations. Still, a small voice in my head from far way back is hoping. But then again, i don't want to expect because disappointment sucks. Or will i be the one who won''t be able to stop myself from greeting him on his birthday? I have 10 days to find out. AFS deadline is March 31, three days from now. In order to survive, I want to isolate myself locked in an airconditioned room the entire day with fast wifi access. But my reality right now is i am working in the living room, with no internet access, fan blowing on my face, kids running, shouting and crying around me constantly seeking for my attention. How will survive this???
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Stella Maris
In just two months, it has grown very close to my heart already. If only I could stay here forever. I mean, be here, not think about tomorrow, enjoy the moment, live for today that i am happy. Not fearing what tomorrow brings, not fearing that this comfort will eventually come to an end. Yes, Stella Maris is a second home. A comfort zone amidst this chaotic unpredictable reality. New favorite place. New confort zone.
In contrary, Aljamar seems to be already living that dream. To have no fear. To be happy at where he is. To not think about tomorrow. To live in divine providence. How is that even possible. That's scary, and irresponsible, at the same time. How can i become like that when all I have is myself to depend on.
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Has it been almost three years since my last post? A LOT has happened already. I might have been a different person back then. I'm tougher now.
