03282020

Work from home is not for me. I might die from anxiety rather than the virus itself. My kids just always wants mommy whenever I'm around. I understand that they need attention. But seriously, I just want silence while trying to get a job done.

Al Jamar. Aljamar. Jamar. Jammie. Jam2x. I find him interesting, intriguing and mysterious. But as they said, curiosity kills the cat. I am so tempted to flirt back at him. But also minding not to be easy to get. Not because I'm married with kids. Who doesn't fool around anyway? My husband fooled a lot of times behind my back. I accepted him. Why can't I do it? This guy, Aljamar, seems to be a worthwhile subject.

We've been working together for around two months now, Jan-23 to Mar 28. Whenever you are around a certain likable person everyday, the attraction seems to grow in exponents. I am now looking forward to seeing him everyday. And even talking to him. He grabs my hands lately. I fight the urge to hold his hands back. I fistbump instead. I like playing around with him. Also tempted to care for him. Dong singot na kaayo ka. Dong kaon na. Dong blur na imong glasses. Dong ka nindot sa imong mata. Dong pwede mugakos. Maka feeling teenager ba.

For the meantime, I am enjoying that he is around. But until when? God knows all these are only temporary. Me being an employee of DMD, not sure if i can even pass the probationary stage.

April seems to be a make or break time for me. No time to think about unnecessary thoughts like having friends with benefits.

And you know what, i am at a point where i am gaining back an independent self. A self emotionally and financially independent from a husband. And a momentary freedom from kids. Of course i love (the idea of) them. But i also love myself. I also want to find my own self. My own individuality. Maybe that's also why i am attracted to aljamar because he knows me as who i want to be perceived. Confident and Independent. Far from the insecure and clingy stay at home mom I was. He doesnt know my weaknesses and insecurities yet. Why do my thoughts revert back to him?

So yeah, i am at that point of confidence right now and i just want to prove to myself that I can be better. That I can do better. So I should give my best to this job I have right now.

I am looking forward to when these annual financial statements will be over. I want to go out or reward myself. Or maybe both. That's for short term. I still have long term goals of course. But for medium term, 1-3years, I see myself still working with stella maris. Will i even reach that long? In five years, I will be thirty five. i want to become a CPA, if i could survive this month's AFS alive. I'm torn between having more kids, two maximum. But the little humans i have right now are actually very enough already. But i fear that in the pursue of finding myself, i might loose the chance of producing more offsprings. Is that even relevant? I don't know.

I JUST WANT TO SURVIVE THIS AFS, ALIVE. I miss writing. Or I miss talking to myself. This is me needing to express and articulate my thoughts so I can get them out of my head. Because if i won't, maybe i will just overthink.

Will aljamar do a move in this course of month long quarantine? He said kanina that he will call me. But I know he has self discipline and he seems to be aware of his limitations. Still, a small voice in my head from far way back is hoping. But then again, i don't want to expect because disappointment sucks. Or will i be the one who won''t be able to stop myself from greeting him on his birthday? I have 10 days to find out. AFS deadline is March 31, three days from now. In order to survive, I want to isolate myself locked in an airconditioned room the entire day with fast wifi access. But my reality right now is i am working in the living room, with no internet access, fan blowing on my face, kids running, shouting and crying around me constantly seeking for my attention. How will survive this???
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Stella Maris

In just two months, it has grown very close to my heart already. If only I could stay here forever. I mean, be here, not think about tomorrow, enjoy the moment, live for today that i am happy. Not fearing what tomorrow brings, not fearing that this comfort will eventually come to an end. Yes, Stella Maris is a second home. A comfort zone amidst this chaotic unpredictable reality. New favorite place. New confort zone.

In contrary, Aljamar seems to be already living that dream. To have no fear. To be happy at where he is. To not think about tomorrow. To live in divine providence. How is that even possible. That's scary, and irresponsible, at the same time. How can i become like that when all I have is myself to depend on.
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Has it been almost three years since my last post? A LOT has happened already. I might have been a different person back then. I'm tougher now.

072217

is this still love? i don't feel any romance anymore. i feel like i'm just trying my best to be civilized with him and keep on compromising just so we won't argue. it's frustrating. i know we have different love languages. he likes intimacy while i like time. meanwhile, i dont like being intimate with him because he doesn't give me time. and maybe, he doesn't give me time because i'm not intimate towards him. it's getting difficult.

i'm only able to laugh out loud and cry out loud becuase of this korean series i'm watching - weightlifting fairy. otherwise, i don't feel any emotions at all but annoyance around my surroundings. rawr. so pathetic.

062917 What do I want?

As you know, I only write when I am in the state of sadness. And today is just one of those days I lost it. I am such a mess. For a bird's eye view of how I feel right now:

• I wake up everyday at 9am because I feel hungry and baby inside my tummy might also be getting hungry too. 
• Yes, estimatedly, I almost 3months pregnant right now and I am sooooo hungry and in a roller coaster ride of emotions!
• I'm always hungry and thinking of what yummy food to eat but then again I don't have money. 
• Husband is still here and waiting for his schedule from their heartless agency. His sched to depart was supposedly around May. Until it was moved to June, July, August and now, October!!!!!! Wa na miy kwarta and naa pa miy mga utang with interest!! How can I sleep soundly with that thought??
• The bright side to having my husband around is that he voluntarily does the cooking when the helper's not around. I wash the dishes every now and then. Sometimes, he does them too. He's a big help around the house especially with mommy. Also washes the car. And for most days, he stays in the house just like me which I know is taking a great effort from him knowing how he wants to talk to different people all the time.
•  The downside is, someone is always watching my move!!! Waiting for something productive that I would do. And in reality, I just want to sit somewhere and stare at space the entire time if I only could!! 
• He has this standard that women should know how to work around the house. Wash the dishes, clean every corner, do the laundry, and of course, cook!! All of which I loathe and abhor if he only knew!! But he insists that as a woman and as a wife, I should know how to do all those. It's silently pressuring me and the fact that doing those doesn't give me self fulfillment nor any kind of happiness.  No, I don;t want to do household chores. I'm not lazy. I just dont want to sweat. And do you that during the daytime, the level of hotness is intense!!! Also, sweating makes me feel self-pity. What did I ever do to deserve working like this? Don't I deserve to work in a gloriously airconditioned office and not in a bloody hot kitchen? :( I guess husband doesn't understand that. Maybe he never will...
• So again, I'm pregnant and I could barely afford to buy my vitamins and much more the needed calcium intake I could get from buying Anmum,,, I can't even get myself checked by my preferred OB. Because guess what? Financial constraints. I might have to go back to that lying in clinic where I used to go to during my first pregnancy. Where I got a 3-month post partum depression. Yeah, I could just go back there....
• Aside from wanting to buy food, going out with friends and having actual people to talk to and who would understand me could help. But guess what? Yep, financial constraints to the power of not having a penny to pay the jeepney. I am THAT cash strapped. 
• I talked to husband whether not having money could lead to sickness? I somehow felt a bad headache earlier today and wanted to throw up every now and then. I was very nauseous earlier. 

After writing the above thoughts, I think I'm getting okay now. Or katugon lang ko or kapoy or gutom nasad. Hahayyyy.

100913

It's a brand new morning! I usually get compelled to write only when there's something which greatly occupies my mind (which might be the reason why I CAN'T write anything for my terminal papers due within 72hours!!Well that's another story). Lately, like two weeks maybe, I have been dating this guy whom our neighbor introduced. I usually don't date just anyone, but he seems to catch my attention. Even writing this makes me kilig :))

He's gwapo and tall. But beyond that, he's reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaally nice. He's too good to be true. e's too good to say all things that make me see flowers and butterflies all over. He makes me feel like that, but I don't want to fall. I just might won't last and I might get another addition to my series of heartaches..

On the other note.. I have Five journals, one ppt presentation, three terminal papers to write on my own from SCRATCH. So yeah, idk where to start :((

J Series

030317

I decided to post my series of entry about J's existence in my life for the past few days. Tonight he is flying to California and won't be back until a couple of months or more. I don't know what to feel. Whether I should even feel something or just ignore that he somehow means something. I might send him the pic of the purple flower he gave me last night and bid him safe travel. (It can't be goodbye yet, right? And yes, he gave me a flower.) 

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030217 

Got another brain food today with J. It was a heart goody conversation, I told him most of my current frustrations. His "girl" was also jealous that we went out. (Notice how I quote the word girl? He said "his girl"!! Wow, big word for me. Jealous. She isnt fit being one.) I dont wanna make a big thing about it, but you know there are times when you want to be selfish? I just needed someone to talk to and who will understand. I opted to be selfish just for once. I could have done something worse with J though, something which might feel good but will ruin our respective relationship, and most of all our friendship. And okay, our conscience too. So you see, our dinner was harmless in the most conservative way. I am happy that I found a friend in him, i think. I hope. 

He also asked in the car why i didn't look for him when he was gone. I simply answered, it occurred to me once in a while about how he was doing but I let go of it. Now that i think about it (yeah, too late to tell him), i didn't pursue looking for him because i knew he had other priorities. I was then looking for someone to make me his priority in a romantic kind of way but he had a lot of stuff going on and I felt I wasn't as important to him. Basically, it was the wrong time. With M, it was the wrong place. With B, i hope he was there at the right time and at the right place, which makes him the right person. MAYBE if i met J now, he could've been the right person. He seems to know more about himself now and is at peace with whoever he is already. 4yrs ago when I met him, he was still looking for himself. I was 22 then, I had big dreams and was barely learning the ropes about adulthood. I needed to move forward then and couldn't let myself fall for someone who won't catch me back and who'll stop me from reaching my potential.......... Fast forward to now, I don't think I've reached my fullest potential either but i am mighty proud to say that I have come a long long way! J, on the other hand, is doing great also. I could have loved him in his worse if he just let me. But too late for that. 

But really, I am trying to figure out how I can make my passion (writing) productive. Because you know, aside from childcare101, i should do something that is ME. To make Z look up to me and see me as an inspiration instead. But what? I was thinking about writing, but what do i write about..? 

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030117 Repentance

Today's Ash Wednesday and the priest kept saying repentance, repentance, repentance during his homily. And I'm like, "Hello I'm here but I'm not ready to repent. Maybe after this I will be already?" I'm seeing J again tmrw. It was supposed to be with Min2, Jien and Edz but something came up and Min2x cant come. J also doesnt like having Jien around. So should I still see him? I want to see him. But is it right? I dont know if it is right but I do want to see him and talk to him. I don't want to overanalyze or overthink about it. I just want to talk to him. I'm also planning to do some errands tmrw like pick up the items from the online shop I bought, have the dollars converted to I can pay off the insurance (i have to find the form yet), but sunflower oil in HHN, pay the registration for gcdc event. I'm not sure if those things are relevant. I just want to do something and they're something which makes me happy. Other than doing my obligations with Z, what else am i supposed to do? So yeah. 

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022417

I have more to write when I am waking up for something. 

There is nothing to write when my days are the same.

I've stumbled upon the song Secret Love Song by Jason Derulo. For the past days, it would seem like it applies to me. BUT NO. I don't want a broken relationship nor a broken family. I don't want hurt nobody. So temptations, though you are mighty strong, in Jesus Name, be gone!!!!!!!!!!!! 😂

So... This is how it feels like. Temptations are disguised in innocent alluring forms. It seems harmless and it screams to try it out a bit like how the snake allured Eve to eat the seemingly harmless yummy looking apple. But behold! When you fall into the trap, hell certainly awaits. Nothing that is good ever happens to those people who fall into temptations......

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022317

Met AGAIN with J today, just us. After how many days of agonizing over thinking about it, I finally sat down with him, had catching up and drank coffee. I got my brain food today and I am very happyyyyyyyyyy. I want to have his brain sometimes and give a piece of it to others just so they become more "productive". So yeah, going back to J, you know the one who got away? No it wasn't him. But it could've been him! But he didn't have commitment or loyalty even until now. I think he's a great friend, I'm just not so sure about being a partner. Sometimes, what we want is really not those who are meant for us. But there will be that someone who God prepared for you to spend the rest of your life with who will fill your every need. I'm happy that I get to take a feel on both worlds! For the record though, he mentioned that i was being a milf. As a woman, I know I should get offended. But no!!!!! I'm taking it as a compliment coming from him!!! Hahahahahhahamaygadddd

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022217

Met with J today!! Initial meeting was good. He was there when me, dad and z went to his taqueria to grab snacks. Talking to him felt good! It was awkward because dad was there and he told him i was his girlfriend before!! Crazy dude, we just dated a few times. I wished it was more but there weren't any effort. But no regrets though. I am happy where i am right now. A part of me just keeps wanting to talk to him because he is such an interesting person. Not just because he comes from a foreign lanh but because of his personality and his interests. His hug surprised me but it felt good.

Some people i know (ehem ILs), they keep talking about disco, sabong, manok, drugs, sex, like there was nothing more that the world could offer. They feed on drama. And here is a man who has a vast list of interests. I want to meet more positive people like him. I just feel that the ILs are very negative influence now :(

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022117 Sad hormones

Pms hormones got me wanting to drink human blood. I am thirsty for any sensible human intervention. I really hope this "longing" is just because of PMS. Because if not, I have a serious problem. I am extremely lonely and I need someone sensible to talk to, someone who understands, someone who will empathize, someone who will feel the emotions of sadness, anger and annoyance with me. Not just somebody who'll hear me out but who will really listen with HIS whole heart. And right now, I only have one person in mind. I hope this pms goes away already. And so does all the negative emotions I am feeling right now. I'm feeling like having post partum blues again. :( :( :( 

When I think about it, i find an older brother's protection morr important than a lover's guidance. For me, the older brother will always look for a way to understand his sister than a lover who  believes in give and take. It's easier being spoiled when you don't have to compromise... AND, there is no sexual obligation. Haaaaaaay. 

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022017 part 1 Brain Food

I know this is crazy but I am just really bothered why I am thinking about certain thoughts in the first place!! And, I need to let it out 😱 Okay, to refresh: I got in touch with Jorge again the other day because of a friend who posted about his food. Two days after leaving him a comment, I just noticed he sent me a message. And from there, it was a long (and painful/emotional?) catching up. Barely 24hrs after the chat and his call (YES!!) I cannot stop thinking about him!! Whyyyyyyyyy. Not that I like him, i love my husband of course. But!!  I don't know why I got butterflies on my stomach while we chatted and talked last night!!! God knows what couldve happened if Z didn't "accidentally" dropped the call!! So why the butterflies?!?! What I know is, I miss such thrill. I miss such feeling of being "significant". I miss being the "someone" and not just being a "somebody". What?? I don't even make sense. This doesn't make sense. But i can't stop wanting to talk to him like my mind needs some kind of a brain food!!!!

(Maybe) My underlying issue is that, people around me, esp. the in-laws, are being so so so soooooo brainless stupid that I cannot fathom their negativity!! I cannot grasp their horrible shadow disguising as responsible people. Because really, THEY'RE NOT!! And I am so so so soooooo tired of understanding their irresponsibilities!! I am discouraged and disappointed and infuriated with their inaction to papa's hospital bills and mama's monthly allowance. Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. Husband is not helping by being secretive to me. I mean, so okay maybe I understand why he doesnt tell me everything. This is exactly the reason why he doesn't want me to know. Because I will get disappointed, discouraged and infuriated!! Maybe he's also ashamed pf them but cannot diswon them at the same time? But him not telling me, i am not sure if it's helping. I feel like those things are stoping us from being able to save for the renovation of our house, planning for our wedding or buying a new car. :( I am stuck in that emotion right now thus the thought of Jorge, the attention grabber, is being entertained. 

All I really need is to free my thoughts and myself from negative people (in laws) and expose my self to positive things. Maybe my problem is, I don't want to let go because they're part of the best thing I have - my family :( 

062115 Today.

June 2014, it has been a year when I came to a point in life where I almost had it all as a young professional. I got a position in the government working on a project I was actually passionate and interested about with occasional travels and speaking engagements around the region, was on my 2nd half of masters studies with incredibly brilliant colleagues and mentors,  manually drove (emphasis on manual so I can tell myself, I am a certified driver!) a shiny red auto in black stilettos and corporate blazers, a debit card that was one swipe away from my periodic indulgence. My bank  statement was worth some digits then.  Not to mention, I got the best support system of my parents, friends, a religious community close to my heart, and a God-answered-and-given boyfriend. I could safely say I was productive round the clock.

Then, just a few months after, I got pregnant, delivered a healthy baby boy and had to walk in an unfamiliar phase of life all over again sacrificing everything I once had. Right at this very moment, I wish I should've clung to it and enjoyed it a little bit longer. I miss those days..............

040515 Easter not Happy

Holy Week did not serve it's purpose/goal for me to reflect. Badong has been so busy and it has been too hot to go outside the house. I feel like I have disappointed Jesus by being an irresponsible disciple. :(

I'm ranting here because I don't have anyone to talk to, y'know, just have someone you can pour your heart out and is just there to listen and empathize. I need someone who will listen and give me credit. I need someone to push me into doing something worthwhile. But I guess that has just to be myself huh? Push myself to be productive.......

I want to go some place else, I want to go in a vacation. Go to the beach with friends, catch up and just relax. But no I can't because people have their own lives, I have no money to waste and the scorching sun outside the house is enough reason to hide inside..........

But being inside the house for almost a week now invites depression to creep in. And, my hair, it sucks. It won't behave. 

Hahahayyyyyy T.T